Charity Begins at Home

 Tax Deductions

I did an internet search on the word ‘charity’ and the result was mainly a list of charitable organizations that were available to receive donations. They ranged from the American Red Cross to the Wounded Warrior Project, all worthy recipients. But aside from Webster and Wikipedia definitions, there was nothing that would indicate that charity is one of the greatest characteristics a person can have. It’s not too surprising, though, that the world is more concerned with the outward physical act of charitable giving rather than the inward development of a charitable heart. Oftentimes our heart is not involved in our charitable contributions. For a lot of people, and companies, what lies at the heart of their ‘charity’ is a healthy tax deduction. 

Is this what happens in our marriages sometimes? Do we forget to bring a charitable heart into the relationship? Maybe we feel like we work hard and share all that we have with our family – a sort of ‘charitable’ contribution of our time and our talents. However, we get upset or angry or frustrated when our spouse fails to meet our expectations or we think we deserve more than we are getting from them. That is not being very charitable.

A Change of Heart

A few years ago, I was a witness to a true change of heart that demonstrated to me the importance of charity in marriage. My sudden loss of balance and chronic neurological difficulties that began 10 years ago, propelled me into a battle with major depression. While this literally knocked me off my feet, it also had a negative effect on my husband. He, too, was dealing with a heavy load of issues and depended on me to be the strong partner I had always been. But this proved too big for me and I was a basket case. 

While he tried his best to be patient with me, his first response was to tell me to ‘push through it.’ He really didn’t want to hear about how hard this was for me and how I felt like I was dying, both inside and out. And it didn’t help that the doctors could not figure out what was wrong with me. I tried hard to ‘push through’ and continued to go to work every day. But as my symptoms worsened, my world shrunk ever smaller and I felt a loneliness and despair I hope to never feel again.

I don’t know if it was my husband who changed or if it was my perception that changed, but after a few years of trying to cope with the new me, I noticed a difference in how my husband treated me. He began complimenting me more and telling me how amazing he thought I was. He exhibited more patience when I had difficulty walking or talking and was more compassionate when I felt hopeless. I felt that he could see past my ‘broken’ self and into the divine part of me that was struggling to find footing again.

Charity Begins at Home

I believe that I was on the receiving end of true charity – the kind of charity spoken of in Moroni 7:47 “...charity is the pure love of Christ…” Through my husband’s simple acts of charitable kindness, love, and acceptance, I was slowly able to make my way out of the dark well I had fallen into. I was given a soft and safe place to land that enabled me to regroup and find my place in the world again.

Charity does begin at home. Whether it is because of weakness or illness or transgression, we are all in need of charity. H. Wallace Goddard said, “We simply will not survive and thrive in the challenges of marriage unless we take upon ourselves the mindset that Jesus has. His redemptive mindset is called charity...Charity comes only when we humbly recognize the weakness of our mortal natures and throw ourselves on the merits, and mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah (2 Nephi 2:8, emphasis added).” (2009)

My husband looked past his own needs and set aside his frustration with my situation. He saw my struggles and felt my pain while helping to carry my burden. With charity in his heart, he helped me see my worth and know that I was not alone. Although I still struggle physically, this charity – the pure love of Christ – has left me grateful for a husband who seeks after and listens to the spirit, and has chosen to see me the way that Christ sees me. Although there is no tax deduction for this kind of charitable contribution, I feel the bounty of the Lord's blessings and I'm rich in all the ways that count.  

''And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest 

of these is charity"

(1Corinthians 13:13).

References

Goddard, H. W. (2009.) Drawing heaven into your marriage.  Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing. Retrieved from https://content.byui.edu/file/821fd904-e409-49a9-b078-7fff99c33387/1/Drawing%20Heaven%20into%20Your%20Marriage.pdf

Letting Go of Expectations: A Miracle

The Angst of a Dirty Kitchen

            It is amazing how many emotions a sink full of dirty dishes used to stir up in me. I could  have been feeling great; maybe I was able to go for a girl’s night out or had a meeting to attend. But when I would arrive home to a dirty kitchen, I would be devastated. My self-worth would plummet, and I felt as if I was unloved and unworthy of love.

       This was a perpetual problem in our marriage when we had a houseful of kids. I was usually working part-time outside the home, car-pooling for three different schools, and assisting in our business, not to mention helping kids with homework, fixing meals, etc. .  My fantasy was to come home to a clean house where the laundry was folded and put away, the kitchen was cleaned, the counters were wiped, and the kids had clean faces and fresh-smelling hair. I was deeply hurt when my expectations were unmet, as they usually were.

Make Mom Happy…Not!

            It didn’t seem to matter how many times I explained to them how much it meant to me to come home to a clean house and I took it personally. I felt that it should be on the top on everyone’s list: Make. Mom. Happy. But it wasn’t. My kids, all boys if that means anything, had to be told each and every time to clean the kitchen, or whatever the chore was, and be given detailed instructions, because if I didn’t specifically say what I wanted done, it would not occur to them to do it. And my husband was a bit the same way. It was if they all had blinders on that prevented them from seeing anything below eye level and were perfectly happy not knowing what was happening beneath their line of vision. They could not comprehend why it mattered to me. They did not understand that my self-esteem was tied to how clean my house was or that, for me, it translated into feeling that they loved me.

          Did this perpetual problem get solved? It did but not in the way I expected. Of course, not having kids home anymore has made a huge difference in keeping a clean house and my husband is much more helpful now.  But the real change occurred in me. In the book, "The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, " John Gottman points out:

“It takes a lot of understanding and proficiency in attunement to be able to really hear what your partner is saying when he or she is upset.” (2015)

 I would also argue that it takes understanding and attunement to know what lies at the bottom of our own negative feelings. I really didn’t know at the time why I would get so upset and hurt over the dirty kitchen. It was out of proportion to the problem, and therefore, incomprehensible to me and my husband. 

The Miracle of Letting Go  

After years of introspection and painful honesty with myself, I realized that I was unfairly expecting my husband and family to express their love for me in the way that I wanted them to, not in the way they felt it. H. Wallace Goddard said in “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage:"

“We enter marriage expecting our needs to be met. We even decide how they should be met. Then, when our partners are unable to meet all of our needs, we become resentful.” (2009)

           

When I learned to de-tangle my feelings of self-worth from the cleanliness of my house, I was able to turn a perpetual problem into a solvable one. I needed to accept that my sons (and my husband) did not care about the house in the same way that I did and that it had nothing to do with their love for me.  I let go of my expectation that they would spontaneously decide to clean it the way that I wanted it to be done, and when I was finally able to distance myself emotionally from the issue, I was better able to find objective ways to handle it. 

            Too often we get upset with our spouse because they do not see things through the same lens that we do. It is only when we take a step back and examine our own perspective that we can understand our motivations. We can then deal with things in a less emotional and intense way and create an atmosphere of give and take in the relationship. Miracles occur when we let go of our angst and accept love the way it is offered instead of how we expect it. 

References

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown Publishers.

Goddard, H. W. (2009) Drawing heaven into your marriage. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing. Retrieved from https://content.byui.edu/file/821fd904-e409-49a9-b078-7fff99c33387/1/Drawing%20Heaven%20into%20Your%20Marriage.pdf

           

Be Thou Humble

A Weird Word         

Pride is a weird word. It is known as one of the seven deadly sins and one of Satan’s most powerful tools. It is used to covey conceit, smugness, and superiority, but also self-respect, gratification, and honor.  It is a confusing word and probably better defined by the emotion behind it rather than the word itself. President Ezra Taft Benson said:

Pride is a very misunderstood sin, and many are sinning in ignorance. In the scriptures there is no such thing as righteous pride – it is always considered a sin. Therefore, no matter how the world uses the term, we must understand how God uses the term so we can understand the language of holy writ and profit thereby if pride is being committed…The central feature of pride is enmity – enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowman. (1989.)

Lessons on Pride

Like everyone, my husband and I have had our fair share of lessons on pride in our 40 plus years of marriage. Losing our business and our home during the economic downturn of 2008 was a huge blow to our pride. We felt like failures and it was very difficult to face the world and pick ourselves up again. It was also a humbling experience for me, after struggling for 2 years with difficulties with my balance, to finally agree to use a walker to assist me in getting around. I was only 55 at the time and was embarrassed that I had to use something only ‘old’ people used. To add insult to injury, I couldn’t afford a new one, so I used a walker I inherited from my great-aunt; it was hot pink, guaranteed to attract a lot of attention.

            Pride is especially damaging when we allow it to cloud our relationships with others. It was during these difficult years that my husband and I learned one of the best lessons in humility that helped us overcome some of our prideful tendencies.

 After our lease was up on my car, we had to turn it back in and I was without a car for about a year. We were finally able to scrape together enough cash to buy a used vehicle and I was looking forward to having my own transportation again. My husband was tasked with finding a car but I had a few stipulations: it had to have an automatic transmission, four doors, and not be a dark color, especially black, because we have a gravel driveway.

            Unfortunately, during the time my husband was searching for a car, I had to have a spinal tap that left me flat on my back for 3 weeks with a spinal headache. I was unable to even lift my head off the couch, let alone check out any cars. So, it was left to my husband and 18-year old son to test drive and ultimately select my ‘new’ car. Imagine my delight when they excitedly presented me with a ’95 2-door BMW, with a 5-speed manual transmission, a window-busting sub-woofer filling the trunk, and a shiny, black paint job. Oh, and did I mention that it had a modified exhaust system that could be heard at least a mile away?

Overcoming Pride

            My first reaction to this totally unsuitable car was anger. How could my husband get a car that was exactly one I did not want and especially one that was so loud and embarrassing for me to drive? He is not typically an insensitive guy but has been known to act first and get permission later. I think John Gottman was describing my husband when he said “…men who resist letting their wives influence them are not even aware of this tendency.” (2015.) I suspect my son had used his “The question isn’t ‘Should you get this car?’ It is ‘Why wouldn’t you get this car??” argument that ultimately swayed my husband.

            But as I thought more deeply about it, I was humbled by the idea that my husband had worked hard to find the money to buy me a car. It was inexpensive and we were able to pay cash for it. It would get me to work and back and was sufficient for my needs. I could even fit my hand-me-down walker in the back seat. So, I drove that car and actually began to enjoy it. People could hear me coming when I was 5 minutes away and their expression was priceless as they watched me get out. They expected a teenage boy but instead watched a middle-aged grandma pull a hot pink walker out of the back seat.  

            My husband, too, learned a valuable lesson. He repented of his hasty and prideful choice to leave me out of the car purchasing decision. He realized his error in allowing my son to influence the teenage boy that still inhabits my husband from time to time. My next car was a matronly 4-door Silver VW Passat with a trunk large enough to accommodate my hot pink walker.

            However, the greatest lesson for me was the understanding that my worth is not defined by the car I drive or the house I own or the success of my business. It isn’t even determined by how much influence I have over my husband and especially, that I cannot get around very well without using a walker. My worth and value were determined long before I came to this earth: I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me and I am humbled by that knowledge and try to incorporate it into all that I do. President Benson said it well “The proud depend upon the world to tell them whether they have value or not…. If we love God, do His will, and fear His judgement more than men’s, we will have self-esteem.” (Benson. 1989.)

References

Benson, E. T. (April 1989) Beware of pride. Ensign. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Retrieved from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/1989/05/beware-of-pride?lang=eng

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown Publishers.

It's the Small Things...

Love Notes - An Experiment

A couple of years ago, I read a story about an elderly couple who, throughout their marriage, would leave love notes in a special box for each other to find. I thought this was so touching and I really wanted to be like that couple. I shared the story with Coray and found a hinged, silver ball that

would work perfectly for our own love notes. A few days later, I left him a note in the ball and then checked back occasionally to see if he had gotten it (but let’s be honest: I mainly wanted to see if he left one for me!) I think it took a couple of weeks for him to get my note but he failed to leave one for me. I let it go for a while until I finally mentioned it to him. He just kind of shrugged it off and said that he had forgotten about it. Finally, about a week later, I checked the ball again and found that he had left me something. But instead of a sweet message, I found a folded $20 bill - not my definition of a love note!  I understood then that we probably weren't going to be that elderly couple sharing love letters stashed in a ball. I realized that he is not the flowers-and-candlelight kind of guy.  I needed to appreciate his unique ways of showing his love for me and not try to force or expect him to be something he is not.

Small Things

Instead of writing me a love note, he would rather show his love by building a trellis for our deck or installing new counter tops in our kitchen. While I greatly appreciate the big gestures, those things happen only occasionally. It's the seemingly small, everyday things that have created our connection and the culture of love that exists in our home. I love this scripture - it offers a simple yet profound truth: 

"Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great."  (Doctrine and Covenants 64:33)          

It is the small things adding up over time that build and solidify our connections and make our relationship and family great. For example:

• He makes sure I always get the last bowl of ice cream if there is only enough for one.

• I cook and bring him his dinner as he sits in the recliner after a long day of work. 
• We have lively discussions over the news, TV shows, or politics, whether agreeing or politely agreeing to disagree.
• We listen to each other talk about our day, cheering our successes and commiserating over our difficulties
• We always use common courtesies: 'Please, thank you, excuse me, and you're welcome' are words that generously populate our interactions. 
• When our sons and their families take their leave after Sunday dinner, together we lock the door behind them and simultaneously exhale great sighs of relief. (We love them but are happy to see them on their way!)
• We frequently talk about the gospel: ways we have felt the spirit, how it is working in our lives, and what we can do to be better disciples of Christ. 
• And my favorite connection of all: the way he gets emotional whenever he talks about how much our family means to him: his love for me, how proud he is of our sons, the love he has for our daughters-in-law, and the joy our grandchildren bring to our lives. 

No Rainbows and Unicorns

I don’t mean to paint a rainbows-and-unicorns picture of our relationship; it’s taken over 40 years for us to know each other as well as we do. It has required a lot of patience, introspection, and a willingness to be honest with ourselves about our own faults. We have had to let go of a lot of expectations and learn to accept each other the way we are, warts and all. I liked what John Gottman had to say in his book, “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” about the importance of being open to each other’s perspectives and coming together on important issues:

The more you can agree about the fundamentals in life, the richer, more profound, and in a sense, easier your marriage is likely to be. A crucial goal of any marriage, therefore, is to create an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about his or her convictions. The more you speak candidly and respectfully with each other, the more likely there is to be a blending of your sense of meaning. (2015)

Finding Shared Meaning

We have been able to find shared meaning in our marriage through the small and simple everyday acts of what Gottman describes as “The Four Pillars of Shared Meaning: rituals of connection, support for each other’s roles, shared goals, and shared values and symbols.” (2015) We haven’t needed to go on exotic vacations, buy each other expensive gifts, or even leave love notes in a silver ball. We have just needed those small, everyday gestures that communicate our connection and love for each other. And I believe that, thus far, we have been successful in “…laying the foundation of a great work…” (D&C 64:33).

References

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown Publishers.