It's the Small Things...

Love Notes - An Experiment

A couple of years ago, I read a story about an elderly couple who, throughout their marriage, would leave love notes in a special box for each other to find. I thought this was so touching and I really wanted to be like that couple. I shared the story with Coray and found a hinged, silver ball that

would work perfectly for our own love notes. A few days later, I left him a note in the ball and then checked back occasionally to see if he had gotten it (but let’s be honest: I mainly wanted to see if he left one for me!) I think it took a couple of weeks for him to get my note but he failed to leave one for me. I let it go for a while until I finally mentioned it to him. He just kind of shrugged it off and said that he had forgotten about it. Finally, about a week later, I checked the ball again and found that he had left me something. But instead of a sweet message, I found a folded $20 bill - not my definition of a love note!  I understood then that we probably weren't going to be that elderly couple sharing love letters stashed in a ball. I realized that he is not the flowers-and-candlelight kind of guy.  I needed to appreciate his unique ways of showing his love for me and not try to force or expect him to be something he is not.

Small Things

Instead of writing me a love note, he would rather show his love by building a trellis for our deck or installing new counter tops in our kitchen. While I greatly appreciate the big gestures, those things happen only occasionally. It's the seemingly small, everyday things that have created our connection and the culture of love that exists in our home. I love this scripture - it offers a simple yet profound truth: 

"Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great."  (Doctrine and Covenants 64:33)          

It is the small things adding up over time that build and solidify our connections and make our relationship and family great. For example:

• He makes sure I always get the last bowl of ice cream if there is only enough for one.

• I cook and bring him his dinner as he sits in the recliner after a long day of work. 
• We have lively discussions over the news, TV shows, or politics, whether agreeing or politely agreeing to disagree.
• We listen to each other talk about our day, cheering our successes and commiserating over our difficulties
• We always use common courtesies: 'Please, thank you, excuse me, and you're welcome' are words that generously populate our interactions. 
• When our sons and their families take their leave after Sunday dinner, together we lock the door behind them and simultaneously exhale great sighs of relief. (We love them but are happy to see them on their way!)
• We frequently talk about the gospel: ways we have felt the spirit, how it is working in our lives, and what we can do to be better disciples of Christ. 
• And my favorite connection of all: the way he gets emotional whenever he talks about how much our family means to him: his love for me, how proud he is of our sons, the love he has for our daughters-in-law, and the joy our grandchildren bring to our lives. 

No Rainbows and Unicorns

I don’t mean to paint a rainbows-and-unicorns picture of our relationship; it’s taken over 40 years for us to know each other as well as we do. It has required a lot of patience, introspection, and a willingness to be honest with ourselves about our own faults. We have had to let go of a lot of expectations and learn to accept each other the way we are, warts and all. I liked what John Gottman had to say in his book, “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” about the importance of being open to each other’s perspectives and coming together on important issues:

The more you can agree about the fundamentals in life, the richer, more profound, and in a sense, easier your marriage is likely to be. A crucial goal of any marriage, therefore, is to create an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about his or her convictions. The more you speak candidly and respectfully with each other, the more likely there is to be a blending of your sense of meaning. (2015)

Finding Shared Meaning

We have been able to find shared meaning in our marriage through the small and simple everyday acts of what Gottman describes as “The Four Pillars of Shared Meaning: rituals of connection, support for each other’s roles, shared goals, and shared values and symbols.” (2015) We haven’t needed to go on exotic vacations, buy each other expensive gifts, or even leave love notes in a silver ball. We have just needed those small, everyday gestures that communicate our connection and love for each other. And I believe that, thus far, we have been successful in “…laying the foundation of a great work…” (D&C 64:33).

References

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown Publishers.