In-laws Not Out-laws

           In-law relationships can be tricky. Each individual brings to marriage the traditions, rules and culture of their family of origin and it is hard to blend the two together in a way that makes everyone happy. It can be difficult for young couples and parents alike to draw and respect appropriate boundaries, especially when parents are reluctant to let go or either of the couple continue to rely too much on their parents instead their spouse.          

    An Angel Among Us

Mothers-in-law in particular get a pretty bad rap. They are always portrayed as overbearing, judgmental, clingy, or impossible to please. I am grateful to say that I experienced none of that; I was blessed with an angel of a mother-in-law. I knew from the moment I met her that I wanted to be a part of her family. She welcomed me with open arms and became one of the best friends I have ever had. I don’t think we ever had a cross word between us in the 40 years we had together. She passed away a year and a half ago and I miss her terribly. However, I still feel her presence and influence in my life every day and I am comforted by that. Now I have the opportunity to serve my sweet father-in-law in his declining years and it is an honor and privilege to repay the kindness he has always shown me.

                   My kids have reaped the blessings of having close extended family relationships. Their grandparents lived within walking distance their whole lives and were a positive influence on them. We went to church together, celebrated holidays, and developed friendships that are precious to all. None of this would have been possible had my in-laws not practiced the principles stated by Marvin J. Ashton:

Wise parents, whose children have left to start their own families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement.  (1974)

Yikes, I’m a Mother-in-Law!

As I have welcomed four daughters-in-law into our family, I have tried to create the same embracing culture that I experienced. I decided early on that I would love and accept the women my sons choose to marry and establish my role as mother-in-law as one of support and friendship. I have appreciated the different perspectives and unique talents that each of them has brought into our family. I especially love that they love my sons and are excellent mothers to my grandchildren!

We are a close family but not enmeshed. All of my sons and their families have busy lives, separate and apart from us. Yet we still manage to stay connected as often as we can. Two of my sons live in town and the other two live out of state. We used to get together nearly every Sunday for dinner with the two in town, but as their lives have become busier and more complex, we try to get together once or twice a month. Holidays can be especially tricky as we try to accommodate different family configurations and demands. It hasn't always gone smoothly and I admit getting my feelings hurt on occasion. But I have learned to scale back on my expectations and appreciate the time that we can be together. As their families grow, I understand that it is important for them to establish their own traditions and I try to give them the space to do that.

My parents and in-laws have never tried to interfere with decisions my husband and I have made. We have always felt respected as adults and been able to live autonomously within the greater extended family. We try to do the same with our own kids. They live their separate lives but share and include us in their experiences. We provide support and a listening ear whenever needed, and offer counsel and advice when asked. If we overstep the boundaries (as I did a few weeks ago when I expressed an opinion regarding something that was none of my business!), we are quick to apologize and take a few steps back.

Blessings Abound

Probably the best decision of my life was to marry my husband, not only because I got a great guy, but I also gained a wonderful family. My relationship with my in-laws has been one of the most rewarding of my life. I have tried to figure out why we have gotten along so well and I think it just boils down to love and acceptance. I love them and they love me. I accept their faults and they accept mine. It really can be that simple!

Even though in-law relationships can be hard sometimes, taking the time to know and understand them can bring a new layer of joy to your life. My hope and prayer has always been that I will have positive relationships with my sons' wives and I am so grateful that I do. I love them dearly and count them among my greatest blessings. I will forever be grateful for my own sweet angel mother-in-law who provided me a powerful example of how to love and accept those who mean the most to me. 

 References

Ashton, Marvin J. (1974, January). He took him by the hand. Ensign., 4(1), 101.