The Balloon and the String

My husband and I have always had a pretty equitable relationship. He’s never been the overbearing, demanding type and I don’t throw tantrums or give the silent treatment when I don’t get my way. But that is not to say that we agree on everything or go about things the same way. We are very different in how we look at things and it has taken some adjustment to be okay with that.

          

I would say that my husband is the dreamer and I am the realist in our marriage; he comes up with the ideas and I work out the details.  It’s kind of like he is a balloon and I am the string that keeps him grounded. This works as a checks-and-balance system as he floats an idea and I think of all the reasons it can never work.  You can probably guess that this hasn’t always been successful. I’ve been accused more than a few times of being negative and he’s been the recipient of several “I told you so’s” over the years. However, it is who we are, and overall, it works for us. We usually come to a consensus and work together to achieve our goals.

Equitable Parenting 

This difference has been especially effective as we were raising our sons. We had the same values and goals when it came to parenting but I made most of the day to day decisions regarding the kids, especially when they were younger. As they got older, though, my inclination was to hold on tighter. Fortunately, my husband understood the need for young men to gradually separate themselves from the proverbial apron strings. He knew that the tighter I held on, the more resistance I would get.

           

His philosophy was tested in a very real way when one of our sons was a senior in high school. He was a musician and came to us one day to ask if he could go, with his newly formed rock band, to Paris for a show shortly after graduation. The lead singer in the band happened to be an actor in a popular TV show and had a large fan base all over the world. Even though my son was already 18, my gut reaction was an emphatic “NO WAY!” But my husband took me aside and told me that I shouldn’t squash his dreams. He reminded me that we had taught our son the principles of the gospel and the difference between right and wrong. It was time for him to fully exercise his agency and make decisions for himself. Besides, it probably wouldn’t happen anyway. Reluctantly on my part, we told our son he could go. Surprisingly, it did happen and eventually he and the band completed a couple of European tours as well as playing all over the US.  He gave it all up a couple of years later to serve a mission in Mexico. He came home, married in the temple, and still works as a musician today, although not with the same band. My son has been able to float his balloon while remaining tethered to gospel principles.

Letting Go    

Learning to let go as a parent hasn’t been easy for me. I spent many years with my children at the center of my life, and as they became more independent, it was hard for me to not to be in the middle of all that was going on with them.  I think some of the hardest times were when they came home from their missions. It was very difficult to let go of the parent in me and learn how to live with my adult child.  There were many times I had to stifle the urge to ‘parent’ them and I think I have permanent teeth marks on my tongue from constantly biting it!

            I have since learned to adjust to my ‘empty nest’ and have enjoyed my supporting role in my sons’ lives. I delight in the families they have formed and the lives they are carving out for themselves. We are always available to give counsel when asked, but we don’t interfere or insist on involving ourselves in their decisions.

.  Richard Miller, PhD., director of the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University, talked about how the parent-child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults at a BYU Conference on Family Life and included this quote from Spencer W. Kimball:

Well-meaning relatives have broken up many a home. Numerous divorces are attributable to the interference of parents who thought they were only protecting their loved children… Live your own life. (Italics added) (2009)

As we have tried to heed that wise counsel, we have developed good relationships with our sons that are based on mutual respect and friendship.  Their marriages are stronger because they work out their own issues and have established a family unit apart from their parents.

I am thankful that my husband and I have been able to use the differences between us to strike an equitable balance in our marriage and parenting relationships. Instead of allowing those differences to divide us, we found a way to use them to make us stronger as a couple as well as a family. We can fly high while remaining firmly planted on the ground.

References

Miller, R. B. (2009). Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families.” BYU Conference on Family Life, Brigham Young University, March 28, 2009.