BFE - Best Friends for Eternity

It's hard to believe that Coray and I have been married for over 40 years. We met in January of 1978 and were married nine months later. I knew on our first date that he was the 'One.' I am guessing that he thought I was the 'One,' too, since we’ve been together ever since.

Opposites
     However, we are very much opposites.  He really likes to eat meat, preferably with a lot of fat on it. I like meat, sparingly, and fat makes me gag. His idea of the perfect vacation is driving through Yellowstone looking for wildlife; I can't tell an elk from a tree. (Truth be told - a lot of the elk he spots really are just trees, but I humor him.)  I prefer a vacation that includes warm sand, a comfy beach chair, and a good book to read. He likes watching crime shows and action movies; I like the 'Voice' and 'This Is Us,’ maybe an action movie if it stars Chris Pratt. I like writing; he would rather poke himself in the eye with a pencil. 

The Four Horsemen
     In spite of our differences, we very seldom fight. In fact, I can probably count the number of knock-down-drag-outs on 3 fingers. But we’ve had plenty of disagreements over the years. We’ve had to work through things that drive all couples crazy: chore division, financial issues, parenting methods, and leaving the lid up. There have even been a few times that we have fallen into what author John Gottman calls the Four Horseman styles of communication. He defines them as:

·         Criticism: expressing negative feelings or opinions about the other's character or personality. 

·         Contempt: arises from a sense of superiority over one's partner and fueled by long simmering negative thoughts about a partner. Sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, mockery, and hostile humor are all types of contempt

·         Defensiveness: a way of blaming your partner. "Innocent victim" stance sends the message "Why are you picking on me? What about all the good that I do? There's no pleasing you."

·         Stonewalling: listener withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and simply stops responding to partner. (Gottman 2015)

     We are probably most guilty of using defensiveness, some criticism, and have a pretty sarcastic sense of humor. But even on those rare occasions when one of the Horseman have appeared, we have never been purposefully hurtful. We measure our words carefully and make sure that we don’t say anything that could cause lasting damage to our relationship. We fight fair, never hitting below the belt.

We both brought our unique upbringings, experiences, and neurosis with us to the marriage and those can bring friction into the relationship. Fortunately, according to Gottman, we have a positive sentiment override relationship. This means that our "positive thoughts about each other and [our] marriage supersede [our] negative feelings." (2015)

Our Secret
     I think the secret for us has been that we genuinely like each other – we are best friends. We both have the same fundamental values, standards, and sense of humor. We have a deep respect for one another and understand that even though we are one in marriage, we have autonomy within that marriage. We are free to be who we are, like what we like, do things how we like to do them, and even sometimes, annoy and frustrate each other. It works for us and I am grateful that we have been successful in lasting this long. Now, if he would just learn that the good fairy doesn’t live here and magically cleans up after him, we just might make it through eternity. (Oops! Was that a Horseman?)

References

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown Publishers.