In-laws Not Out-laws

           In-law relationships can be tricky. Each individual brings to marriage the traditions, rules and culture of their family of origin and it is hard to blend the two together in a way that makes everyone happy. It can be difficult for young couples and parents alike to draw and respect appropriate boundaries, especially when parents are reluctant to let go or either of the couple continue to rely too much on their parents instead their spouse.          

    An Angel Among Us

Mothers-in-law in particular get a pretty bad rap. They are always portrayed as overbearing, judgmental, clingy, or impossible to please. I am grateful to say that I experienced none of that; I was blessed with an angel of a mother-in-law. I knew from the moment I met her that I wanted to be a part of her family. She welcomed me with open arms and became one of the best friends I have ever had. I don’t think we ever had a cross word between us in the 40 years we had together. She passed away a year and a half ago and I miss her terribly. However, I still feel her presence and influence in my life every day and I am comforted by that. Now I have the opportunity to serve my sweet father-in-law in his declining years and it is an honor and privilege to repay the kindness he has always shown me.

                   My kids have reaped the blessings of having close extended family relationships. Their grandparents lived within walking distance their whole lives and were a positive influence on them. We went to church together, celebrated holidays, and developed friendships that are precious to all. None of this would have been possible had my in-laws not practiced the principles stated by Marvin J. Ashton:

Wise parents, whose children have left to start their own families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement.  (1974)

Yikes, I’m a Mother-in-Law!

As I have welcomed four daughters-in-law into our family, I have tried to create the same embracing culture that I experienced. I decided early on that I would love and accept the women my sons choose to marry and establish my role as mother-in-law as one of support and friendship. I have appreciated the different perspectives and unique talents that each of them has brought into our family. I especially love that they love my sons and are excellent mothers to my grandchildren!

We are a close family but not enmeshed. All of my sons and their families have busy lives, separate and apart from us. Yet we still manage to stay connected as often as we can. Two of my sons live in town and the other two live out of state. We used to get together nearly every Sunday for dinner with the two in town, but as their lives have become busier and more complex, we try to get together once or twice a month. Holidays can be especially tricky as we try to accommodate different family configurations and demands. It hasn't always gone smoothly and I admit getting my feelings hurt on occasion. But I have learned to scale back on my expectations and appreciate the time that we can be together. As their families grow, I understand that it is important for them to establish their own traditions and I try to give them the space to do that.

My parents and in-laws have never tried to interfere with decisions my husband and I have made. We have always felt respected as adults and been able to live autonomously within the greater extended family. We try to do the same with our own kids. They live their separate lives but share and include us in their experiences. We provide support and a listening ear whenever needed, and offer counsel and advice when asked. If we overstep the boundaries (as I did a few weeks ago when I expressed an opinion regarding something that was none of my business!), we are quick to apologize and take a few steps back.

Blessings Abound

Probably the best decision of my life was to marry my husband, not only because I got a great guy, but I also gained a wonderful family. My relationship with my in-laws has been one of the most rewarding of my life. I have tried to figure out why we have gotten along so well and I think it just boils down to love and acceptance. I love them and they love me. I accept their faults and they accept mine. It really can be that simple!

Even though in-law relationships can be hard sometimes, taking the time to know and understand them can bring a new layer of joy to your life. My hope and prayer has always been that I will have positive relationships with my sons' wives and I am so grateful that I do. I love them dearly and count them among my greatest blessings. I will forever be grateful for my own sweet angel mother-in-law who provided me a powerful example of how to love and accept those who mean the most to me. 

 References

Ashton, Marvin J. (1974, January). He took him by the hand. Ensign., 4(1), 101.

The Balloon and the String

My husband and I have always had a pretty equitable relationship. He’s never been the overbearing, demanding type and I don’t throw tantrums or give the silent treatment when I don’t get my way. But that is not to say that we agree on everything or go about things the same way. We are very different in how we look at things and it has taken some adjustment to be okay with that.

          

I would say that my husband is the dreamer and I am the realist in our marriage; he comes up with the ideas and I work out the details.  It’s kind of like he is a balloon and I am the string that keeps him grounded. This works as a checks-and-balance system as he floats an idea and I think of all the reasons it can never work.  You can probably guess that this hasn’t always been successful. I’ve been accused more than a few times of being negative and he’s been the recipient of several “I told you so’s” over the years. However, it is who we are, and overall, it works for us. We usually come to a consensus and work together to achieve our goals.

Equitable Parenting 

This difference has been especially effective as we were raising our sons. We had the same values and goals when it came to parenting but I made most of the day to day decisions regarding the kids, especially when they were younger. As they got older, though, my inclination was to hold on tighter. Fortunately, my husband understood the need for young men to gradually separate themselves from the proverbial apron strings. He knew that the tighter I held on, the more resistance I would get.

           

His philosophy was tested in a very real way when one of our sons was a senior in high school. He was a musician and came to us one day to ask if he could go, with his newly formed rock band, to Paris for a show shortly after graduation. The lead singer in the band happened to be an actor in a popular TV show and had a large fan base all over the world. Even though my son was already 18, my gut reaction was an emphatic “NO WAY!” But my husband took me aside and told me that I shouldn’t squash his dreams. He reminded me that we had taught our son the principles of the gospel and the difference between right and wrong. It was time for him to fully exercise his agency and make decisions for himself. Besides, it probably wouldn’t happen anyway. Reluctantly on my part, we told our son he could go. Surprisingly, it did happen and eventually he and the band completed a couple of European tours as well as playing all over the US.  He gave it all up a couple of years later to serve a mission in Mexico. He came home, married in the temple, and still works as a musician today, although not with the same band. My son has been able to float his balloon while remaining tethered to gospel principles.

Letting Go    

Learning to let go as a parent hasn’t been easy for me. I spent many years with my children at the center of my life, and as they became more independent, it was hard for me to not to be in the middle of all that was going on with them.  I think some of the hardest times were when they came home from their missions. It was very difficult to let go of the parent in me and learn how to live with my adult child.  There were many times I had to stifle the urge to ‘parent’ them and I think I have permanent teeth marks on my tongue from constantly biting it!

            I have since learned to adjust to my ‘empty nest’ and have enjoyed my supporting role in my sons’ lives. I delight in the families they have formed and the lives they are carving out for themselves. We are always available to give counsel when asked, but we don’t interfere or insist on involving ourselves in their decisions.

.  Richard Miller, PhD., director of the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University, talked about how the parent-child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults at a BYU Conference on Family Life and included this quote from Spencer W. Kimball:

Well-meaning relatives have broken up many a home. Numerous divorces are attributable to the interference of parents who thought they were only protecting their loved children… Live your own life. (Italics added) (2009)

As we have tried to heed that wise counsel, we have developed good relationships with our sons that are based on mutual respect and friendship.  Their marriages are stronger because they work out their own issues and have established a family unit apart from their parents.

I am thankful that my husband and I have been able to use the differences between us to strike an equitable balance in our marriage and parenting relationships. Instead of allowing those differences to divide us, we found a way to use them to make us stronger as a couple as well as a family. We can fly high while remaining firmly planted on the ground.

References

Miller, R. B. (2009). Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families.” BYU Conference on Family Life, Brigham Young University, March 28, 2009.

The Curse of Our Day

 President Kimball has warned us that "infidelity is one of the great sins of our generation. The movies, the books, the magazine stories all seem to glamorize the faithlessness of husbands and wives. To the world nothing is holy, not even marriage vows . .. It reminds us of Isaiah, who said: 'Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil. .. .' (Isaiah 5:20)." (Goddard 2009)

 The Curse 

         A happily married young woman had recently given birth to her first child – a boy. She was blissfully happy – everything in her life was working out just as she’d always hoped it would. That is until the afternoon the police raided her home looking for pornography after her husband was arrested in a child pornography sting. Or what about the woman who was almost done raising her 7 children and was looking forward to spending quality time with her husband of 30 years? That dream was shattered when she discovered his unfaithfulness that began with viewing porn on business trips and escalating from there.

            Pornography has become the curse of our time. While it has been around for ages, it has only recently become more mainstream and acceptable with the advent of the internet and smart technology. It is available to anyone 24/7 with a few taps on the keyboard, leaving a trail of destruction in its wake.

No One is Immune

No one is immune from its powerful grip. The two families I mentioned were faithful Latter-Day Saints. The men held leadership roles in the church and were well respected in their jobs and community. They were not evil men. What began as curious exploration became an addiction that broke the hearts of their wives and children, as well as sacred covenants with God, and in one case, resulted in felony conviction.

As much as the world would like to pretend that viewing pornography is harmless and even normal, we know differently. President Boyd K. Packer said “Pornography will always repel the Spirit of Christ and will interrupt the communications between our Heavenly Father and His children and disrupt the tender relationship between husband and wife.” (2010). Psychologist Victor Cline, who specializes in pornography addiction treatment, explains that “It degrades love, and it is destructive of human personality and male-female relationships.” (1971)

Fidelity

In the “State of the Nation Report: Fractured Families”, it says “A fundamental building block of most stable family relationships, and an explicit promise of marriage, is that of sexual exclusiveness and fidelity.” (State. 2010.) Some would argue that viewing porn does not constitute infidelity but that is simply not true. In fact, the report goes on to state that “A major factor driving the increase in infidelity and relationship breakdown appears to be the rapidly increasing accessibility of pornography via the internet” (2010). Fidelity in marriage requires a commitment to your spouse of heart, body, mind, and soul, and porn breaches that commitment. President Packer again said, “Pornography, flirtations, and unwholesome fantasies erode one’s character and strike at the foundation of a happy marriage.  Unity and trust within a marriage are thereby destroyed.” (2010)

Goddard offers this advice to prevent any kind of infidelity in marriage: “Do not allow the seeds of lust to germinate. Do not look on another woman or man with lust. Do not entertain mental fantasies of romance or passion. Do not let your mind be poisoned with the sick encounters in soap operas, worldly literature, or any form of pornography.” (2009)

The Cure

Is there hope for one caught in the snare of pornography? Thankfully, there is. Much like other addictions, it is difficult but not impossible to overcome. The leaders of the church have recognized that this has become a huge problem for many individuals and have developed a program to help those affected called the Addiction Recovery Program (ARP), a confidential 12-step program based on gospel principles. (To learn more, go to https://addictionrecovery.churchofjesuschrist.org)

Like all things, recovery is possible through the atonement of Jesus Christ. Goddard included this quote from a Christmas devotional given by President Benson and it provides a wonderful perspective on the blessings of turning to Christ:

Men and women who turn their lives over to God will discover that He can make a lot more out of their lives than they can. He will deepen their joys, expand their vision, quicken their minds, strengthen their muscles, lift their spirits, multiply their blessings, increase their opportunities, comfort their souls, raise up friends, and pour out peace. Whoever will lose his life in the service of God will find eternal life.  (2009)

Our marriages are too precious, too sacred, to allow anything to destroy what God has ordained. Not only must we protect the trust between husband and wife, we must also consider the trust children have in their parents. They depend on us to do the right things and protect the family. We would be wise to adhere to this council from Jeffrey R. Holland:

Like thieves in the night, unwelcome thought can and do seek entrance to our minds. But we don’t have to throw open the door, serve them tea and crumpets, and tell them where the silverware is kept! Throw the rascals out! Replace lewd thoughts with hopeful messages and joyful memories; picture the faces of those who love you and would be shattered if you let them down. (Holland. 2009)

References

Cline, V. (1971).“A Conversation on Things of the Spirit, Pornography, and Certain Kinds of Movies, Books and Magazines,” New Era, May 1971, 11.

Goddard, H. W. (2009) Drawing heaven into your marriage. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing. Retrieved from https://content.byui.edu/file/821fd904-e409-49a9-b078-7fff99c33387/1/Drawing%20Heaven%20into%20Your%20Marriage.pdf

Hollard, J. R. (2009) Place no more for the enemy of my soul. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints General Conference. October 2009. Retrieved from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2010/04/place-no-more-for-the-enemy-of-my-soul?lang=efi

Packer, B.K. (2010) Cleansing the Inner Vessel, Ensign. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/cleansing-the-inner-vessel?lang=eng

The State of the Nation Report: Fractured Families. (2006) Appendix 5: Pornography, sexual infidelity and family breakdown.