Cherish is the Word

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Remember the 1966 hit song “Cherish,” by The Association? Well, maybe not. But the lyrics went: “Cherish is the word I use to describe all the feeling that I have hiding here for you inside.” (Kirkman. 1966.) 

Great song, but I’m sorry to say that there were many times over the years that 'cherish' was not the word to describe my feelings for my husband; frustrated & resentful were probably more accurate. When I was an overwhelmed mother of four, it was sometimes hard to remember why I thought he was so wonderful. I worked part-time and handled the majority of household responsibilities, while he worked 60-hour weeks building a business. We each carried heavy loads and it was easy for our marriage to take a back seat. We both felt over-burdened.

Love Maps

Somehow, we managed, though. Maybe it was because we had developed what John Gottman calls Love Maps: being “intimately familiar with each other’s world” (2015). We made it a point to touch base with each other throughout our day. We knew each other’s schedule, shared our worries and concerns, and made sacrifices for one another. However, it wasn’t always smooth sailing. Sometimes it took a while for one of us to understand what the other was going through. Sometimes it even took a while for me to figure out what I was going through. But we persevered and plowed through those crazy years, becoming closer in the process.

Fondness and Admiration

            Our married life looks very different today. We no longer have children at home and last week we welcomed our 13^th grandchild into the family. We are feeling the effects of getting older and have slowed down considerably - an exciting evening for us is binge watching “Blue Bloods” on Netflix. However, we still work together in our business and have to deal with all of the worries and stress that comes with it. Our Golden Years are not shaping up to be the relaxing, carefree season that I thought it would be.

            An interesting evolution has occurred over the last few years and our relationship has grown in unexpected ways; I would almost describe it as existing on a more spiritual plane. As we watch our elderly parents struggle with health issues and the loss of a beloved spouse, we understand more deeply the preciousness of our time together here on earth. We have begun to see each other in more eternal terms, perhaps even as our Heavenly Father sees us. We are less quick to be irritated with each other and instead find the humor in our little quirks and idiosyncrasies. As we deal with stress and illness, we are more aware of our mind/body/spirit connections and take tender care to minimize damage. We see more clearly the unique and great qualities that drew us to one another in the first place and nurture our fondness and admiration for each other. It feels as though the very stars we had in our eyes at the beginning of our courtship are shining ever brightly again.

Cherish is the Word

            I cherish my husband, now more than ever. The sweetness of our relationship exceeds my expectations and I am so grateful that we have an eternal marriage. President Gordon B. Hinckley offered the best advice on how to cherish our spouse throughout our marriage and I have found it to be true:

“Companionship in marriage is prone to become commonplace and even dull. I know of no more certain way to keep it on a lofty and inspiring plane than for a man occasionally to reflect upon the fact that the helpmeet who stands at his side is a daughter of God, engaged with [God] in the great creative process of bringing to pass His eternal purposes. I know of no more effective way for a woman to keep ever radiant the love for her husband than for her to look for and emphasize the godly qualities that are a part of every son of our Father and that can be evoked when there is respect and admiration and encouragement. The very processes of such actions will cultivate a constantly rewarding appreciation for one another” (Hinckley p. 24)

     It turns out that ‘cherish’ is the word after all!

References

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown Publishers.

Hinckley, G. Marriage and Family Relations Instructor’s Manual, Lesson 5 . The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/study/manual/marriage-and-family-relations-instructors-manual

Kirkman, T. (1966). Cherish [Recorded by The Association}.  On And Then... Along Comes. CA:  Boettcher.

BFE - Best Friends for Eternity

It's hard to believe that Coray and I have been married for over 40 years. We met in January of 1978 and were married nine months later. I knew on our first date that he was the 'One.' I am guessing that he thought I was the 'One,' too, since we’ve been together ever since.

Opposites
     However, we are very much opposites.  He really likes to eat meat, preferably with a lot of fat on it. I like meat, sparingly, and fat makes me gag. His idea of the perfect vacation is driving through Yellowstone looking for wildlife; I can't tell an elk from a tree. (Truth be told - a lot of the elk he spots really are just trees, but I humor him.)  I prefer a vacation that includes warm sand, a comfy beach chair, and a good book to read. He likes watching crime shows and action movies; I like the 'Voice' and 'This Is Us,’ maybe an action movie if it stars Chris Pratt. I like writing; he would rather poke himself in the eye with a pencil. 

The Four Horsemen
     In spite of our differences, we very seldom fight. In fact, I can probably count the number of knock-down-drag-outs on 3 fingers. But we’ve had plenty of disagreements over the years. We’ve had to work through things that drive all couples crazy: chore division, financial issues, parenting methods, and leaving the lid up. There have even been a few times that we have fallen into what author John Gottman calls the Four Horseman styles of communication. He defines them as:

·         Criticism: expressing negative feelings or opinions about the other's character or personality. 

·         Contempt: arises from a sense of superiority over one's partner and fueled by long simmering negative thoughts about a partner. Sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, mockery, and hostile humor are all types of contempt

·         Defensiveness: a way of blaming your partner. "Innocent victim" stance sends the message "Why are you picking on me? What about all the good that I do? There's no pleasing you."

·         Stonewalling: listener withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and simply stops responding to partner. (Gottman 2015)

     We are probably most guilty of using defensiveness, some criticism, and have a pretty sarcastic sense of humor. But even on those rare occasions when one of the Horseman have appeared, we have never been purposefully hurtful. We measure our words carefully and make sure that we don’t say anything that could cause lasting damage to our relationship. We fight fair, never hitting below the belt.

We both brought our unique upbringings, experiences, and neurosis with us to the marriage and those can bring friction into the relationship. Fortunately, according to Gottman, we have a positive sentiment override relationship. This means that our "positive thoughts about each other and [our] marriage supersede [our] negative feelings." (2015)

Our Secret
     I think the secret for us has been that we genuinely like each other – we are best friends. We both have the same fundamental values, standards, and sense of humor. We have a deep respect for one another and understand that even though we are one in marriage, we have autonomy within that marriage. We are free to be who we are, like what we like, do things how we like to do them, and even sometimes, annoy and frustrate each other. It works for us and I am grateful that we have been successful in lasting this long. Now, if he would just learn that the good fairy doesn’t live here and magically cleans up after him, we just might make it through eternity. (Oops! Was that a Horseman?)

References

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown Publishers.

Surviving the Big, Bad Wolf

We all know the classic story of the 3 pigs and the big bad wolf - it's the cautionary tale of being unprepared for troubles that may come knocking at our door. If I have learned anything in my 61 years of living, it's that no one is immune to the big bad wolf. He will come to all of us at some point or another, huffing and puffing in his best attempts to break down our walls.  If we have not built them strong enough, they will inevitably fail and come crashing down around us. If we are teachable, we can escape to rebuild again, stronger and more resilient.  If we aren't, we are at risk of being consumed by the ravenous wolf and suffer regret and sorrow. 

Natural Adversity

In his talk, 'A Covenant Marriage', Elder Bruce C. Hafen talks about three wolves that can repeatedly test a marriage: natural adversity, personal imperfections, and excessive individualism. (Hafen. 1996.) My husband and I have had our share of visits from the big, bad wolf, especially natural adversity. We have been self-employed in the construction business for most of our marriage and to say it's been difficult is an understatement. We were hit extremely hard during the economic downturn in 2007-08. We lost our business and the newly built, custom home that had been our dream for years. Then in 2009, I began suffering from unexplained neurological symptoms that affected my balance and compromised my ability to walk. I also began having stroke-like episodes that temporarily impaired my speech and left me with muscle weakness and chronic headaches. These things combined to trigger a long bout of major depression for me.

Building Strong Walls

       So how did we survive the crushing financial problems and debilitating illness? I believe it is because we built the walls of our marriage to last an eternity. We decided 40 years ago to enter into a binding contract with one another that was more important to us than anything else. And 5 years later, we extended that contract in the House of the Lord to include sacred, eternal covenants. Elder David A. Bednar of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, said:

"Eternal marriage is not merely a temporary legal contract that can be terminated at any time for almost any reason. Rather, it is a sacred covenant with God that can be binding in time and throughout all eternity." (2006)

 We made the conscious decision that we would not allow anything that happened on the outside to destroy what was most precious to us on the inside. We made the choice to look at things through an eternal perspective and seek to learn and grow from our adversities. We chose to support one another through our trials and become closer in the process.

Has any of this been easy? Not even close. Have we had dark days? More than I like to remember. Have we been blessed? There is not room enough to receive it all! 

Eternal Perspective

I don't mean to imply that getting married in the temple makes marriage easier. It is still work and involves patience, sacrifice, long suffering, and calling upon the Lord in prayer. But when we understand what marriage means through an eternal perspective, we begin to look at problems, both major and minor, with different eyes. It gives us greater strength to withstand the wolves of our mortal existence when we know that there is an eternal reward.

We have since rebuilt our business - it is still difficult and stressful. I still struggle with my balance and have become permanently disabled. But we continue to lean on each other for support and are richly blessed in all things that matter. The wolves still howl outside, but we're safe and warm inside. 

References

Bednar, D. (2006, June). Marriage is essential to his eternal plan. Ensign. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/study/ensign/2006/06/marriage-is-essential-to-his-eternal-plan?

Hafen, B. (1996, October). Covenant marriage. Ensign. Retrieved from  https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1996/10/covenant-marriage?lang=eng

Links to an external site.

  

Living in a Fallen World

A few years ago, my son's band was playing a show in Las Vegas and my husband and I decided to go see it. As a Californian, it seems strange that I had never been to Las Vegas but it's true; this was my first trip. We were staying at the Mirage in the center of the strip and there was pulsating action all around us. I will never forget the overwhelming sadness that I felt as I surveyed my surroundings. It is no wonder that it is known as Sin City; here was a place that openly catered to and celebrated every human weakness and selfish desire known to man. Gambling, pornography, alcohol, and immorality were showcased in flashing lights, illuminating the dark side of human behavior for all to see.

But I know that Las Vegas is also home to a large population of church members who are good and righteous people; they even have a beautiful temple there. It stands over the city with towering white spires, beckoning all to come unto Christ. Las Vegas serves as a perfect example of how we can live in a fallen world while staying true to the principles of the gospel.

Holding to Principles

It is difficult to figure out how to navigate the Supreme Court gay marriage decision as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. We hold dearly to the belief that only marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God. It is difficult to teach our children this principle when the world is constantly screaming that we are bigoted and hateful for our beliefs. But when we really stop to think about it, nothing has changed. The world has been in a fallen state since Adam and Eve transgressed in the Garden of Eden and it continues to be so today.

Religious Liberty

What is really at stake here is not marriage but religious liberty. It does not matter that the world has given its stamp of approval on gay marriage; it already approves of abortion, pornography, cohabitation, etc., so it should come as no surprise that the definition of marriage has been distorted. Our hope and our strength rely on our ability to worship as our conscience dictates and therein lies our fight.

Alexander Dushku

Alex Dushku (my son's former Weblos leader!) gave an excellent talk on how we can preserve and protect our religious freedom and thus retain our beliefs regarding marriage. He states that, much like those who are pro-life (excluding radical activists who harass and commit crime,) we cannot and should not be intimated into silence. We must defend our beliefs with thoughtfulness, civility, and respect. We must be the highest and best examples of what we believe and provide living proof of the benefits of traditional marriage. It is only in this way that we can be influential in retaining our liberty to worship and marry as God has ordained. (Dushku. 2015)

Beckoning Light

Until Christ comes again to reign, the world still is and always will be in a fallen state. Our job is to live by gospel principles, obey the commandments, teach our children, and love one another no matter what happens around us. Let us be like the temple in Las Vegas, a shining white light, beckoning all to come unto Christ.

References

Dushku, A. (July 7, 2015). The religious freedom implications of the Supreme Court’s decision on same-sex marriage in Obergefell V. Hodges. Religious Freedom Annual Review (Conference). Brigham Young University. Retrieved from https://www.iclrs.org/content/events/111/2130.mp4

Why buy the cow....

“Many of the social restraints which in the past have helped to reinforce and to shore up the family are dissolving and disappearing. The time will come when only those who believe deeply and actively in the family will be able to preserve their families in the midst of the gathering evil around us.”

                                                                  (Kimball, S.W. 1980.)

Wow! Does this describe our society today or what? Back in the olden days, when I was growing up, it was pretty much a given that everyone would get married and have kids. That's just what you did and you did it in that order.  But a major cultural shift happened in the early 60's and things have never been the same. 

A Cultural Shift

     I think one of the roots of this cultural shift began with a small pill - the first ever birth control pill. This little pill gave women an unprecedented freedom from pregnancy and began the sexual revolution that has shaken apart the family like nothing else. While there is nothing inherently wrong with taking the pill or family planning, I believe that it has given the false illusion of sex without consequences or commitment.

      As a result, this shift of values escalated, leading to a 'love the one you’re with' attitude that prevails today. Cohabitation and divorce became more and more acceptable, devaluing marriage and the importance of committed, two parent families. Our collective focus shifted from the what is best for the family to what is best for the individual. As a result, we've become an instant gratification, me-first, throwaway society, and our children are suffering. 

Impact on Children

            

       In the State of Our Unions 2012; The National Marriage 

Project report, it stated:

  

"Throughout history, marriage has first and foremost been an institution for procreation and raising children. It has provided the cultural tie that seeks to   connect the father to his children by binding him to the mother of his children.   Yet in recent times, children have increasingly been pushed from center stage." (Marquardt, E., et al, 2012).

     

Studies show that children are more vulnerable to poverty, abuse, and emotional insecurity when raised in unwed, cohabitating or divorced families. “Research clearly demonstrates that children growing up without two continuously married parents are more likely than other children to experience a wide range of cognitive, emotional, and social problems, not only during childhood, but also into adulthood.” (Amato, 2012)

Returning to Marriage 
     
        I am not advocating a return to the past and the second-class, barefoot and pregnant status of women. But isn't it time that we take a hard and honest look at the consequences of what this self-centered, no restraint attitude has done to the family and society as a whole? Isn’t it time we stop giving ‘the milk for free’ and bring marriage back to its rightful place as the most fundamental and effective unit in society?

As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I am committed to following the principles outlined in “The Family: A Proclamation to the World.” (First Presidency. 1995.) I am thankful for the guidance given by modern day prophets that helps me to strengthen and fortify my family.

References

Amato, P. (2005). The impact of family formation change on the cognitive, social, and emotional wellbeing of the next generation. the future of children, Vol. 15, No. 2, Marriage and Child Wellbeing (Autumn, 2005), pp. 75-96. Princeton University

Kimball, S.W. (1980, November).  Families can be eternal, Ensign, 4. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Marquardt, E., Blankenhorn, D., Lerman, R.I., Malone-Colón, L, & Wilcox, W.B. (2012). The president’s marriage agenda for the forgotten sixty percent, The State of Our Unions. Charlottesville, VA: National Marriage Project and Institute for American Values. p.84

The First Presidency and Council of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. (1995). The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Retrieved  from https://www.lds.org/study/manual/the-family-a-proclamation-to-the-world/the-family-a-proclamation-to-the-world?lang=eng May 4, 2019.