In-laws Not Out-laws

           In-law relationships can be tricky. Each individual brings to marriage the traditions, rules and culture of their family of origin and it is hard to blend the two together in a way that makes everyone happy. It can be difficult for young couples and parents alike to draw and respect appropriate boundaries, especially when parents are reluctant to let go or either of the couple continue to rely too much on their parents instead their spouse.          

    An Angel Among Us

Mothers-in-law in particular get a pretty bad rap. They are always portrayed as overbearing, judgmental, clingy, or impossible to please. I am grateful to say that I experienced none of that; I was blessed with an angel of a mother-in-law. I knew from the moment I met her that I wanted to be a part of her family. She welcomed me with open arms and became one of the best friends I have ever had. I don’t think we ever had a cross word between us in the 40 years we had together. She passed away a year and a half ago and I miss her terribly. However, I still feel her presence and influence in my life every day and I am comforted by that. Now I have the opportunity to serve my sweet father-in-law in his declining years and it is an honor and privilege to repay the kindness he has always shown me.

                   My kids have reaped the blessings of having close extended family relationships. Their grandparents lived within walking distance their whole lives and were a positive influence on them. We went to church together, celebrated holidays, and developed friendships that are precious to all. None of this would have been possible had my in-laws not practiced the principles stated by Marvin J. Ashton:

Wise parents, whose children have left to start their own families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement.  (1974)

Yikes, I’m a Mother-in-Law!

As I have welcomed four daughters-in-law into our family, I have tried to create the same embracing culture that I experienced. I decided early on that I would love and accept the women my sons choose to marry and establish my role as mother-in-law as one of support and friendship. I have appreciated the different perspectives and unique talents that each of them has brought into our family. I especially love that they love my sons and are excellent mothers to my grandchildren!

We are a close family but not enmeshed. All of my sons and their families have busy lives, separate and apart from us. Yet we still manage to stay connected as often as we can. Two of my sons live in town and the other two live out of state. We used to get together nearly every Sunday for dinner with the two in town, but as their lives have become busier and more complex, we try to get together once or twice a month. Holidays can be especially tricky as we try to accommodate different family configurations and demands. It hasn't always gone smoothly and I admit getting my feelings hurt on occasion. But I have learned to scale back on my expectations and appreciate the time that we can be together. As their families grow, I understand that it is important for them to establish their own traditions and I try to give them the space to do that.

My parents and in-laws have never tried to interfere with decisions my husband and I have made. We have always felt respected as adults and been able to live autonomously within the greater extended family. We try to do the same with our own kids. They live their separate lives but share and include us in their experiences. We provide support and a listening ear whenever needed, and offer counsel and advice when asked. If we overstep the boundaries (as I did a few weeks ago when I expressed an opinion regarding something that was none of my business!), we are quick to apologize and take a few steps back.

Blessings Abound

Probably the best decision of my life was to marry my husband, not only because I got a great guy, but I also gained a wonderful family. My relationship with my in-laws has been one of the most rewarding of my life. I have tried to figure out why we have gotten along so well and I think it just boils down to love and acceptance. I love them and they love me. I accept their faults and they accept mine. It really can be that simple!

Even though in-law relationships can be hard sometimes, taking the time to know and understand them can bring a new layer of joy to your life. My hope and prayer has always been that I will have positive relationships with my sons' wives and I am so grateful that I do. I love them dearly and count them among my greatest blessings. I will forever be grateful for my own sweet angel mother-in-law who provided me a powerful example of how to love and accept those who mean the most to me. 

 References

Ashton, Marvin J. (1974, January). He took him by the hand. Ensign., 4(1), 101.

The Balloon and the String

My husband and I have always had a pretty equitable relationship. He’s never been the overbearing, demanding type and I don’t throw tantrums or give the silent treatment when I don’t get my way. But that is not to say that we agree on everything or go about things the same way. We are very different in how we look at things and it has taken some adjustment to be okay with that.

          

I would say that my husband is the dreamer and I am the realist in our marriage; he comes up with the ideas and I work out the details.  It’s kind of like he is a balloon and I am the string that keeps him grounded. This works as a checks-and-balance system as he floats an idea and I think of all the reasons it can never work.  You can probably guess that this hasn’t always been successful. I’ve been accused more than a few times of being negative and he’s been the recipient of several “I told you so’s” over the years. However, it is who we are, and overall, it works for us. We usually come to a consensus and work together to achieve our goals.

Equitable Parenting 

This difference has been especially effective as we were raising our sons. We had the same values and goals when it came to parenting but I made most of the day to day decisions regarding the kids, especially when they were younger. As they got older, though, my inclination was to hold on tighter. Fortunately, my husband understood the need for young men to gradually separate themselves from the proverbial apron strings. He knew that the tighter I held on, the more resistance I would get.

           

His philosophy was tested in a very real way when one of our sons was a senior in high school. He was a musician and came to us one day to ask if he could go, with his newly formed rock band, to Paris for a show shortly after graduation. The lead singer in the band happened to be an actor in a popular TV show and had a large fan base all over the world. Even though my son was already 18, my gut reaction was an emphatic “NO WAY!” But my husband took me aside and told me that I shouldn’t squash his dreams. He reminded me that we had taught our son the principles of the gospel and the difference between right and wrong. It was time for him to fully exercise his agency and make decisions for himself. Besides, it probably wouldn’t happen anyway. Reluctantly on my part, we told our son he could go. Surprisingly, it did happen and eventually he and the band completed a couple of European tours as well as playing all over the US.  He gave it all up a couple of years later to serve a mission in Mexico. He came home, married in the temple, and still works as a musician today, although not with the same band. My son has been able to float his balloon while remaining tethered to gospel principles.

Letting Go    

Learning to let go as a parent hasn’t been easy for me. I spent many years with my children at the center of my life, and as they became more independent, it was hard for me to not to be in the middle of all that was going on with them.  I think some of the hardest times were when they came home from their missions. It was very difficult to let go of the parent in me and learn how to live with my adult child.  There were many times I had to stifle the urge to ‘parent’ them and I think I have permanent teeth marks on my tongue from constantly biting it!

            I have since learned to adjust to my ‘empty nest’ and have enjoyed my supporting role in my sons’ lives. I delight in the families they have formed and the lives they are carving out for themselves. We are always available to give counsel when asked, but we don’t interfere or insist on involving ourselves in their decisions.

.  Richard Miller, PhD., director of the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University, talked about how the parent-child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults at a BYU Conference on Family Life and included this quote from Spencer W. Kimball:

Well-meaning relatives have broken up many a home. Numerous divorces are attributable to the interference of parents who thought they were only protecting their loved children… Live your own life. (Italics added) (2009)

As we have tried to heed that wise counsel, we have developed good relationships with our sons that are based on mutual respect and friendship.  Their marriages are stronger because they work out their own issues and have established a family unit apart from their parents.

I am thankful that my husband and I have been able to use the differences between us to strike an equitable balance in our marriage and parenting relationships. Instead of allowing those differences to divide us, we found a way to use them to make us stronger as a couple as well as a family. We can fly high while remaining firmly planted on the ground.

References

Miller, R. B. (2009). Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families.” BYU Conference on Family Life, Brigham Young University, March 28, 2009.

The Curse of Our Day

 President Kimball has warned us that "infidelity is one of the great sins of our generation. The movies, the books, the magazine stories all seem to glamorize the faithlessness of husbands and wives. To the world nothing is holy, not even marriage vows . .. It reminds us of Isaiah, who said: 'Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil. .. .' (Isaiah 5:20)." (Goddard 2009)

 The Curse 

         A happily married young woman had recently given birth to her first child – a boy. She was blissfully happy – everything in her life was working out just as she’d always hoped it would. That is until the afternoon the police raided her home looking for pornography after her husband was arrested in a child pornography sting. Or what about the woman who was almost done raising her 7 children and was looking forward to spending quality time with her husband of 30 years? That dream was shattered when she discovered his unfaithfulness that began with viewing porn on business trips and escalating from there.

            Pornography has become the curse of our time. While it has been around for ages, it has only recently become more mainstream and acceptable with the advent of the internet and smart technology. It is available to anyone 24/7 with a few taps on the keyboard, leaving a trail of destruction in its wake.

No One is Immune

No one is immune from its powerful grip. The two families I mentioned were faithful Latter-Day Saints. The men held leadership roles in the church and were well respected in their jobs and community. They were not evil men. What began as curious exploration became an addiction that broke the hearts of their wives and children, as well as sacred covenants with God, and in one case, resulted in felony conviction.

As much as the world would like to pretend that viewing pornography is harmless and even normal, we know differently. President Boyd K. Packer said “Pornography will always repel the Spirit of Christ and will interrupt the communications between our Heavenly Father and His children and disrupt the tender relationship between husband and wife.” (2010). Psychologist Victor Cline, who specializes in pornography addiction treatment, explains that “It degrades love, and it is destructive of human personality and male-female relationships.” (1971)

Fidelity

In the “State of the Nation Report: Fractured Families”, it says “A fundamental building block of most stable family relationships, and an explicit promise of marriage, is that of sexual exclusiveness and fidelity.” (State. 2010.) Some would argue that viewing porn does not constitute infidelity but that is simply not true. In fact, the report goes on to state that “A major factor driving the increase in infidelity and relationship breakdown appears to be the rapidly increasing accessibility of pornography via the internet” (2010). Fidelity in marriage requires a commitment to your spouse of heart, body, mind, and soul, and porn breaches that commitment. President Packer again said, “Pornography, flirtations, and unwholesome fantasies erode one’s character and strike at the foundation of a happy marriage.  Unity and trust within a marriage are thereby destroyed.” (2010)

Goddard offers this advice to prevent any kind of infidelity in marriage: “Do not allow the seeds of lust to germinate. Do not look on another woman or man with lust. Do not entertain mental fantasies of romance or passion. Do not let your mind be poisoned with the sick encounters in soap operas, worldly literature, or any form of pornography.” (2009)

The Cure

Is there hope for one caught in the snare of pornography? Thankfully, there is. Much like other addictions, it is difficult but not impossible to overcome. The leaders of the church have recognized that this has become a huge problem for many individuals and have developed a program to help those affected called the Addiction Recovery Program (ARP), a confidential 12-step program based on gospel principles. (To learn more, go to https://addictionrecovery.churchofjesuschrist.org)

Like all things, recovery is possible through the atonement of Jesus Christ. Goddard included this quote from a Christmas devotional given by President Benson and it provides a wonderful perspective on the blessings of turning to Christ:

Men and women who turn their lives over to God will discover that He can make a lot more out of their lives than they can. He will deepen their joys, expand their vision, quicken their minds, strengthen their muscles, lift their spirits, multiply their blessings, increase their opportunities, comfort their souls, raise up friends, and pour out peace. Whoever will lose his life in the service of God will find eternal life.  (2009)

Our marriages are too precious, too sacred, to allow anything to destroy what God has ordained. Not only must we protect the trust between husband and wife, we must also consider the trust children have in their parents. They depend on us to do the right things and protect the family. We would be wise to adhere to this council from Jeffrey R. Holland:

Like thieves in the night, unwelcome thought can and do seek entrance to our minds. But we don’t have to throw open the door, serve them tea and crumpets, and tell them where the silverware is kept! Throw the rascals out! Replace lewd thoughts with hopeful messages and joyful memories; picture the faces of those who love you and would be shattered if you let them down. (Holland. 2009)

References

Cline, V. (1971).“A Conversation on Things of the Spirit, Pornography, and Certain Kinds of Movies, Books and Magazines,” New Era, May 1971, 11.

Goddard, H. W. (2009) Drawing heaven into your marriage. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing. Retrieved from https://content.byui.edu/file/821fd904-e409-49a9-b078-7fff99c33387/1/Drawing%20Heaven%20into%20Your%20Marriage.pdf

Hollard, J. R. (2009) Place no more for the enemy of my soul. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints General Conference. October 2009. Retrieved from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2010/04/place-no-more-for-the-enemy-of-my-soul?lang=efi

Packer, B.K. (2010) Cleansing the Inner Vessel, Ensign. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/cleansing-the-inner-vessel?lang=eng

The State of the Nation Report: Fractured Families. (2006) Appendix 5: Pornography, sexual infidelity and family breakdown.

Charity Begins at Home

 Tax Deductions

I did an internet search on the word ‘charity’ and the result was mainly a list of charitable organizations that were available to receive donations. They ranged from the American Red Cross to the Wounded Warrior Project, all worthy recipients. But aside from Webster and Wikipedia definitions, there was nothing that would indicate that charity is one of the greatest characteristics a person can have. It’s not too surprising, though, that the world is more concerned with the outward physical act of charitable giving rather than the inward development of a charitable heart. Oftentimes our heart is not involved in our charitable contributions. For a lot of people, and companies, what lies at the heart of their ‘charity’ is a healthy tax deduction. 

Is this what happens in our marriages sometimes? Do we forget to bring a charitable heart into the relationship? Maybe we feel like we work hard and share all that we have with our family – a sort of ‘charitable’ contribution of our time and our talents. However, we get upset or angry or frustrated when our spouse fails to meet our expectations or we think we deserve more than we are getting from them. That is not being very charitable.

A Change of Heart

A few years ago, I was a witness to a true change of heart that demonstrated to me the importance of charity in marriage. My sudden loss of balance and chronic neurological difficulties that began 10 years ago, propelled me into a battle with major depression. While this literally knocked me off my feet, it also had a negative effect on my husband. He, too, was dealing with a heavy load of issues and depended on me to be the strong partner I had always been. But this proved too big for me and I was a basket case. 

While he tried his best to be patient with me, his first response was to tell me to ‘push through it.’ He really didn’t want to hear about how hard this was for me and how I felt like I was dying, both inside and out. And it didn’t help that the doctors could not figure out what was wrong with me. I tried hard to ‘push through’ and continued to go to work every day. But as my symptoms worsened, my world shrunk ever smaller and I felt a loneliness and despair I hope to never feel again.

I don’t know if it was my husband who changed or if it was my perception that changed, but after a few years of trying to cope with the new me, I noticed a difference in how my husband treated me. He began complimenting me more and telling me how amazing he thought I was. He exhibited more patience when I had difficulty walking or talking and was more compassionate when I felt hopeless. I felt that he could see past my ‘broken’ self and into the divine part of me that was struggling to find footing again.

Charity Begins at Home

I believe that I was on the receiving end of true charity – the kind of charity spoken of in Moroni 7:47 “...charity is the pure love of Christ…” Through my husband’s simple acts of charitable kindness, love, and acceptance, I was slowly able to make my way out of the dark well I had fallen into. I was given a soft and safe place to land that enabled me to regroup and find my place in the world again.

Charity does begin at home. Whether it is because of weakness or illness or transgression, we are all in need of charity. H. Wallace Goddard said, “We simply will not survive and thrive in the challenges of marriage unless we take upon ourselves the mindset that Jesus has. His redemptive mindset is called charity...Charity comes only when we humbly recognize the weakness of our mortal natures and throw ourselves on the merits, and mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah (2 Nephi 2:8, emphasis added).” (2009)

My husband looked past his own needs and set aside his frustration with my situation. He saw my struggles and felt my pain while helping to carry my burden. With charity in his heart, he helped me see my worth and know that I was not alone. Although I still struggle physically, this charity – the pure love of Christ – has left me grateful for a husband who seeks after and listens to the spirit, and has chosen to see me the way that Christ sees me. Although there is no tax deduction for this kind of charitable contribution, I feel the bounty of the Lord's blessings and I'm rich in all the ways that count.  

''And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest 

of these is charity"

(1Corinthians 13:13).

References

Goddard, H. W. (2009.) Drawing heaven into your marriage.  Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing. Retrieved from https://content.byui.edu/file/821fd904-e409-49a9-b078-7fff99c33387/1/Drawing%20Heaven%20into%20Your%20Marriage.pdf

Letting Go of Expectations: A Miracle

The Angst of a Dirty Kitchen

            It is amazing how many emotions a sink full of dirty dishes used to stir up in me. I could  have been feeling great; maybe I was able to go for a girl’s night out or had a meeting to attend. But when I would arrive home to a dirty kitchen, I would be devastated. My self-worth would plummet, and I felt as if I was unloved and unworthy of love.

       This was a perpetual problem in our marriage when we had a houseful of kids. I was usually working part-time outside the home, car-pooling for three different schools, and assisting in our business, not to mention helping kids with homework, fixing meals, etc. .  My fantasy was to come home to a clean house where the laundry was folded and put away, the kitchen was cleaned, the counters were wiped, and the kids had clean faces and fresh-smelling hair. I was deeply hurt when my expectations were unmet, as they usually were.

Make Mom Happy…Not!

            It didn’t seem to matter how many times I explained to them how much it meant to me to come home to a clean house and I took it personally. I felt that it should be on the top on everyone’s list: Make. Mom. Happy. But it wasn’t. My kids, all boys if that means anything, had to be told each and every time to clean the kitchen, or whatever the chore was, and be given detailed instructions, because if I didn’t specifically say what I wanted done, it would not occur to them to do it. And my husband was a bit the same way. It was if they all had blinders on that prevented them from seeing anything below eye level and were perfectly happy not knowing what was happening beneath their line of vision. They could not comprehend why it mattered to me. They did not understand that my self-esteem was tied to how clean my house was or that, for me, it translated into feeling that they loved me.

          Did this perpetual problem get solved? It did but not in the way I expected. Of course, not having kids home anymore has made a huge difference in keeping a clean house and my husband is much more helpful now.  But the real change occurred in me. In the book, "The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, " John Gottman points out:

“It takes a lot of understanding and proficiency in attunement to be able to really hear what your partner is saying when he or she is upset.” (2015)

 I would also argue that it takes understanding and attunement to know what lies at the bottom of our own negative feelings. I really didn’t know at the time why I would get so upset and hurt over the dirty kitchen. It was out of proportion to the problem, and therefore, incomprehensible to me and my husband. 

The Miracle of Letting Go  

After years of introspection and painful honesty with myself, I realized that I was unfairly expecting my husband and family to express their love for me in the way that I wanted them to, not in the way they felt it. H. Wallace Goddard said in “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage:"

“We enter marriage expecting our needs to be met. We even decide how they should be met. Then, when our partners are unable to meet all of our needs, we become resentful.” (2009)

           

When I learned to de-tangle my feelings of self-worth from the cleanliness of my house, I was able to turn a perpetual problem into a solvable one. I needed to accept that my sons (and my husband) did not care about the house in the same way that I did and that it had nothing to do with their love for me.  I let go of my expectation that they would spontaneously decide to clean it the way that I wanted it to be done, and when I was finally able to distance myself emotionally from the issue, I was better able to find objective ways to handle it. 

            Too often we get upset with our spouse because they do not see things through the same lens that we do. It is only when we take a step back and examine our own perspective that we can understand our motivations. We can then deal with things in a less emotional and intense way and create an atmosphere of give and take in the relationship. Miracles occur when we let go of our angst and accept love the way it is offered instead of how we expect it. 

References

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown Publishers.

Goddard, H. W. (2009) Drawing heaven into your marriage. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing. Retrieved from https://content.byui.edu/file/821fd904-e409-49a9-b078-7fff99c33387/1/Drawing%20Heaven%20into%20Your%20Marriage.pdf

           

Be Thou Humble

A Weird Word         

Pride is a weird word. It is known as one of the seven deadly sins and one of Satan’s most powerful tools. It is used to covey conceit, smugness, and superiority, but also self-respect, gratification, and honor.  It is a confusing word and probably better defined by the emotion behind it rather than the word itself. President Ezra Taft Benson said:

Pride is a very misunderstood sin, and many are sinning in ignorance. In the scriptures there is no such thing as righteous pride – it is always considered a sin. Therefore, no matter how the world uses the term, we must understand how God uses the term so we can understand the language of holy writ and profit thereby if pride is being committed…The central feature of pride is enmity – enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowman. (1989.)

Lessons on Pride

Like everyone, my husband and I have had our fair share of lessons on pride in our 40 plus years of marriage. Losing our business and our home during the economic downturn of 2008 was a huge blow to our pride. We felt like failures and it was very difficult to face the world and pick ourselves up again. It was also a humbling experience for me, after struggling for 2 years with difficulties with my balance, to finally agree to use a walker to assist me in getting around. I was only 55 at the time and was embarrassed that I had to use something only ‘old’ people used. To add insult to injury, I couldn’t afford a new one, so I used a walker I inherited from my great-aunt; it was hot pink, guaranteed to attract a lot of attention.

            Pride is especially damaging when we allow it to cloud our relationships with others. It was during these difficult years that my husband and I learned one of the best lessons in humility that helped us overcome some of our prideful tendencies.

 After our lease was up on my car, we had to turn it back in and I was without a car for about a year. We were finally able to scrape together enough cash to buy a used vehicle and I was looking forward to having my own transportation again. My husband was tasked with finding a car but I had a few stipulations: it had to have an automatic transmission, four doors, and not be a dark color, especially black, because we have a gravel driveway.

            Unfortunately, during the time my husband was searching for a car, I had to have a spinal tap that left me flat on my back for 3 weeks with a spinal headache. I was unable to even lift my head off the couch, let alone check out any cars. So, it was left to my husband and 18-year old son to test drive and ultimately select my ‘new’ car. Imagine my delight when they excitedly presented me with a ’95 2-door BMW, with a 5-speed manual transmission, a window-busting sub-woofer filling the trunk, and a shiny, black paint job. Oh, and did I mention that it had a modified exhaust system that could be heard at least a mile away?

Overcoming Pride

            My first reaction to this totally unsuitable car was anger. How could my husband get a car that was exactly one I did not want and especially one that was so loud and embarrassing for me to drive? He is not typically an insensitive guy but has been known to act first and get permission later. I think John Gottman was describing my husband when he said “…men who resist letting their wives influence them are not even aware of this tendency.” (2015.) I suspect my son had used his “The question isn’t ‘Should you get this car?’ It is ‘Why wouldn’t you get this car??” argument that ultimately swayed my husband.

            But as I thought more deeply about it, I was humbled by the idea that my husband had worked hard to find the money to buy me a car. It was inexpensive and we were able to pay cash for it. It would get me to work and back and was sufficient for my needs. I could even fit my hand-me-down walker in the back seat. So, I drove that car and actually began to enjoy it. People could hear me coming when I was 5 minutes away and their expression was priceless as they watched me get out. They expected a teenage boy but instead watched a middle-aged grandma pull a hot pink walker out of the back seat.  

            My husband, too, learned a valuable lesson. He repented of his hasty and prideful choice to leave me out of the car purchasing decision. He realized his error in allowing my son to influence the teenage boy that still inhabits my husband from time to time. My next car was a matronly 4-door Silver VW Passat with a trunk large enough to accommodate my hot pink walker.

            However, the greatest lesson for me was the understanding that my worth is not defined by the car I drive or the house I own or the success of my business. It isn’t even determined by how much influence I have over my husband and especially, that I cannot get around very well without using a walker. My worth and value were determined long before I came to this earth: I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me and I am humbled by that knowledge and try to incorporate it into all that I do. President Benson said it well “The proud depend upon the world to tell them whether they have value or not…. If we love God, do His will, and fear His judgement more than men’s, we will have self-esteem.” (Benson. 1989.)

References

Benson, E. T. (April 1989) Beware of pride. Ensign. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Retrieved from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/1989/05/beware-of-pride?lang=eng

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown Publishers.

It's the Small Things...

Love Notes - An Experiment

A couple of years ago, I read a story about an elderly couple who, throughout their marriage, would leave love notes in a special box for each other to find. I thought this was so touching and I really wanted to be like that couple. I shared the story with Coray and found a hinged, silver ball that

would work perfectly for our own love notes. A few days later, I left him a note in the ball and then checked back occasionally to see if he had gotten it (but let’s be honest: I mainly wanted to see if he left one for me!) I think it took a couple of weeks for him to get my note but he failed to leave one for me. I let it go for a while until I finally mentioned it to him. He just kind of shrugged it off and said that he had forgotten about it. Finally, about a week later, I checked the ball again and found that he had left me something. But instead of a sweet message, I found a folded $20 bill - not my definition of a love note!  I understood then that we probably weren't going to be that elderly couple sharing love letters stashed in a ball. I realized that he is not the flowers-and-candlelight kind of guy.  I needed to appreciate his unique ways of showing his love for me and not try to force or expect him to be something he is not.

Small Things

Instead of writing me a love note, he would rather show his love by building a trellis for our deck or installing new counter tops in our kitchen. While I greatly appreciate the big gestures, those things happen only occasionally. It's the seemingly small, everyday things that have created our connection and the culture of love that exists in our home. I love this scripture - it offers a simple yet profound truth: 

"Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great."  (Doctrine and Covenants 64:33)          

It is the small things adding up over time that build and solidify our connections and make our relationship and family great. For example:

• He makes sure I always get the last bowl of ice cream if there is only enough for one.

• I cook and bring him his dinner as he sits in the recliner after a long day of work. 
• We have lively discussions over the news, TV shows, or politics, whether agreeing or politely agreeing to disagree.
• We listen to each other talk about our day, cheering our successes and commiserating over our difficulties
• We always use common courtesies: 'Please, thank you, excuse me, and you're welcome' are words that generously populate our interactions. 
• When our sons and their families take their leave after Sunday dinner, together we lock the door behind them and simultaneously exhale great sighs of relief. (We love them but are happy to see them on their way!)
• We frequently talk about the gospel: ways we have felt the spirit, how it is working in our lives, and what we can do to be better disciples of Christ. 
• And my favorite connection of all: the way he gets emotional whenever he talks about how much our family means to him: his love for me, how proud he is of our sons, the love he has for our daughters-in-law, and the joy our grandchildren bring to our lives. 

No Rainbows and Unicorns

I don’t mean to paint a rainbows-and-unicorns picture of our relationship; it’s taken over 40 years for us to know each other as well as we do. It has required a lot of patience, introspection, and a willingness to be honest with ourselves about our own faults. We have had to let go of a lot of expectations and learn to accept each other the way we are, warts and all. I liked what John Gottman had to say in his book, “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” about the importance of being open to each other’s perspectives and coming together on important issues:

The more you can agree about the fundamentals in life, the richer, more profound, and in a sense, easier your marriage is likely to be. A crucial goal of any marriage, therefore, is to create an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about his or her convictions. The more you speak candidly and respectfully with each other, the more likely there is to be a blending of your sense of meaning. (2015)

Finding Shared Meaning

We have been able to find shared meaning in our marriage through the small and simple everyday acts of what Gottman describes as “The Four Pillars of Shared Meaning: rituals of connection, support for each other’s roles, shared goals, and shared values and symbols.” (2015) We haven’t needed to go on exotic vacations, buy each other expensive gifts, or even leave love notes in a silver ball. We have just needed those small, everyday gestures that communicate our connection and love for each other. And I believe that, thus far, we have been successful in “…laying the foundation of a great work…” (D&C 64:33).

References

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown Publishers.